Foz: Behind the Bear
by The Illustrious Crackpot
Summary: A mockumentary of how our favorite joketelling bear rose to stardom.


Foz: The Story Behind the Bear In Front of the Camera

(exhaustively researched by The Illustrious Crackpot)

Fozzie Bear—a name, a bear, a legend. A household name, too, if you're the kind of family who watches Seinfeld and cheers whenever Kramer shows up. But who _is_ this amazing comedian who performed so well, featured in such _amazingly_ show-stopping hits as _Space Jam_, _Who Framed Roger Rabbit_ and _Looney Tunes: Back in Action_—wait a minute, wrong guy. Well, anyways, who _was_ he? If you're asking that question, you shouldn't be in the Muppets section of the website. But as we see the story behind this standup menace, maybe we'll be able to discover what forms the thoughts behind this comedian's actions—if any.

**Bumbled Beginnings**

Fozzie Bear was born to Emily and Ozzie Bear in a hospital somewhere in America—the details don't matter because I don't know where. (But if I did, you can be sure that I would stake it out on the off chance that he came back.) His father, Ozzie, was the most famous comedian bear on the stage—though there weren't many at the time—and was a prime star in his vaudeville days. His act with Emily, "Ozzie and Emmy", was a huge success with Emily playing straight to Ozzie's weirdly funny sense of humor. The two were even privileged to share the stage with such _huge_ stars of their time as Fibber McFlea, Edgar Burnin', and Ozzie's longtime friend Jack Henny. But the Bears retired from the stage when Emily found out that she was expecting something special...though they returned to the stage once the color TV arrived. Only a few months later, however, an unexpected accident with an X-ray and a rabid rat revealed that Emily was indeed carrying a baby—and so Fozzie later came into the world in the aforementioned hospital somewhere in America.

Unfortunately, Ozzie passed away before his son's first birthday, meeting a tragic fate at the hands of a misaimed rubber chicken. Of course Emily was grief-ridden, and hardly had the heart to tell Fozzie that his father wasn't coming home anymore. But that was OK, since Foz didn't notice anyways. In an attempt to keep Ozzie's memory an active presence in the household, Emily decided one night that she was going to constantly recite her husband's best material to Fozzie in the hopes that he would absorb the stellar comedy and live up to his father's position as top comic in the business. But just before she could put this plan into action, she bumped her head on the refrigerator door and got a concussion followed by amnesia. She recovered soon enough, but had completely forgotten all of Ozzie's routines. So she picked up a cheap book of corny jokes and read them to Fozzie, who subsequently grew up thinking that those were the amazing pieces of comedy that had skyrocketed his father into show biz.

**Comedy Tonight—A Legend is Born**

When he was in school, Fozzie's primary status was being the class clown. He would repeatedly bonk himself in the head with conveniently located objects, as well as recite several bad jokes whenever the teacher called on him. Though his peers ridiculed him, Foz accepted this as the first stages of fame—or infamy. When the principal heard of these disruptances in the class, Fozzie was sent to her office where he purportedly asked her "What has a thousand legs but can't walk?" Ignoring the stunned principal, he answered, "Five hundred pairs of pants!"

"He was a bright boy," Emily insists in an exclusive out-of-body interview. "He just didn't _apply_ himself—like, say, to the flypaper the teacher tried to use to keep him in his seat."

Needless to say, Fozzie had a very short-lived academic career.

But his clowning had an important factor in his immediate future, when Emily took ill and couldn't go to work at, ironically, the rubber chicken factory. In order to earn a living for the two of them, Fozzie performed at several dinner clubs.

Their most frequent meal during those months was tomato soup.

But poor Fozzie somehow came up with the notion that when audience members threw food at him, they adored his performance and wanted more. So every time he was bombarded with heads of lettuce during his stand-up routines, he would take a bow and throw out another joke to a response of several more vegetables. Inspired by this "success", as soon as his mother was better he enrolled in a talent competition as a comedian.

Fate was created that night, as by utmost coincidence (and the availability of senior-citizen discounts), who should attend that specific talent show but two old men better known as Statler and Waldorf, also labeled in Mafia circles as "The Hecklers". And a well-deserved title it was too, because as soon as young Fozzie launched into his stand-up onstage the geezers bombed him with nonstop insults. Flustered and nervous, Fozzie responded as best as he could manage, but ultimately his routine died as he became all-encompassingly involved with trying to get one-up on the hecklers. But to everyone's surprise—even Fozzie's—he was awarded first prize; thinking that the hecklers had been hired by Foz to demonstrate his "situation-comedy skills", the judges gave him the prize for his amazing straight lines. Completely ignorant of this assumption, Fozzie accepted his prize tearfully and all the success went directly to his head.

Foz then struck out for a life on his own, signing up at every nightclub he could find so he could present his "award-winning" routines. Not surprisingly, he was run out of every one. Fozzie's uncle eventually left him the Studebaker when he passed into hibernation only because Foz had to skip town before he was "tomato-ed" to death. And thus, Fozzie encountered the El Sleezo Café.

**From El Sleezo to Destiny**

In his quest to find a nightclub that would support his act, Fozzie traveled everywhere. No matter where he stopped, he only _bear_-ly had time to reach the Studebaker before the mobs would catch up to them. "They were tough times," Fozzie has been recorded commenting, as well as, "Where's the mayonnaise?"

When he entered El Sleezo, Fozzie had had no real intention of trying out his act there. The simple reason: he had to eat. So after ordering (and eating) a full-course meal complete with desserts, after-dinner mints and ginger ale, both Fozzie and his waiter realized that he had eaten more than his nonexistent funds could hold. Here is an excerpt of his transcripted discussion with El Sleezo's manager, to whom he was soon sent:

**MANAGER: **If you didn't have any money, why did you order a meal?

**FOZZIE:** Because I was hungry.

**MANAGER: **"Because you were hungry". And why were you hungry?

**FOZZIE:** Because I had no money.

**MANAGER: **RRR...!

**FOZZIE: **Look, I'm really sorry! I must've left my wallet in my other pants!

**MANAGER:** You don't WEAR pants!

**FOZZIE:** Well, I hardly think this is the time to get PERSONAL! Wocka wocka!

In order to pay back the manager for his tremendous tab, Fozzie began working at El Sleezo. But the manager soon realized that the amount of broken dishes and chipped glasses wasn't exactly much better than Fozzie's meal bill, so Foz was transferred to working as a waiter. When he failed _that_ by driving people out of the bar with innocently misleading comments, the manager did the unthinkable: he made Fozzie the evening entertainment at the bar. Although Foz's jokes didn't go over very well with the manager, it was a distinct improvement over his other two attempts at payback. And so he was hired to take the place of the dancing girls for one night as a trial run.

Then Kermit the Frog entered Fozzie's life and became a part of it forever.

Making a rest stop during his trip west to Hollywood, Kermit came to El Sleezo after his bicycle had been totaled. Fozzie had been preparing for his act, which he introduced to not so much appreciation from the mostly-drunk audience. But Kermit was watching, and called out encouragement to the struggling comedian. Taking the advice, Fozzie warmed up to Kermit—especially when the frog joined him onstage for a softshoe-slash-corny joke routine. Then things got very messy, and Fozzie made his final getaway from El Sleezo with Kermit in the Studebaker. Joining Kermit on his trek to Hollywood, the two quickly became best friends.

"It was like we were drawn to each other," Kermit comments. "I'd never seen him before in my life, but it felt like I'd known him forever."

That proved to be an interesting thought, and several dedicated Muppetarian scientists have theorized that several of the core members of the Muppet troupe—Kermit, Fozzie, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Rowlf, Scooter and Animal—were actually toddlers together, watched by a mysterious woman known only by the handle of "Nanny". Looking into this theory even further, experts have deduced that the seven of them had all lived in the same neighborhood for a _very_ short time when they were young before moving away and forgetting about each other—but that's according only to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, scientist and all-around good guy, as well as one of the theorized toddlers. And that's irrelevant right now. SO STOP READING IT!

**Beyond Hollywood**

On his trek to Hollywood with Kermit, Fozzie encountered Gonzo, Camilla, Rowlf, Miss Piggy, Scooter, The Electric Mayhem, and several other new friends who would have a distinct impact on his career. For example, Fozzie felt a sort of spiritual, odd connection to Miss Piggy when he saw her—unlike his friendship with Kermit, though, this was not based on affection, but simply a sort of ethereal "tie" connecting the two of them.

"I don't know anything about it," claims some hack named Frank Oz, who has later been found out to be lying.

When Kermit and company finally reached Hollywood, they were granted the budget and studio space to make a movie, which they based on their experience getting to Hollywood. But the tacky props and amateur camera skills were frowned upon by the producers, who refused to let the movie go through. But when screened by a theater audience, the spectators adored the witty (sometimes unknowingly so) humor, and the producers loosened their wallets enough to grant the motley troupe a TV show—_The Muppet Show_. The sketch "The Day Kid Fozzie Came to Town" marked Foz's first real appearance coast-to-coast, which featured several vegetable jokes and an exploding apple. Though Fozzie had to share the spotlight with Rowlf, his ability was only strengthened by this partner and Fozzie lived on the stage. And coincidentally once more, the beginning of _The Muppet Show_ also marked Fozzie's reunion with "The Hecklers".

Statler and Waldorf had purchased tickets to the live taping of _The Muppet Show_ because they had made the mistake of thinking that it was a rest home they could check into. But with the box seats in their possession, they reluctantly rode out the duration of their tickets and made fun of the show the whole way through. When Fozzie finally recognized them, he was terrified. He was convinced that they'd "ruin" his act, like they had at the talent competition those many years ago. Desperate, he tried everything he could to drive them away from the show, but when Statler and Waldorf in turn recognized _him_ and how much he wanted them out, they stayed out of sheer spite and purchased "season tickets" to _The Muppet Show_. With this pressure on him and mistakenly thinking that his coworkers were talking about _him_ when they were actually referring to Gonzo's moth-eaten teddy bear, Fozzie got so stressed out that he almost quit the show and returned home to Emily. But Kermit straightened that out, and Fozzie remained—as did his hecklers.

"We just liked pestering him," comments Waldorf. "We got all the laughs, and he got all the credit."

"But I thought the companies had said he _wasn't_ credit-worthy," comments Statler right back before they erupt into laughter and fall asleep.

Over the weeks, Statler and Waldorf became an integral part of Fozzie's routine. But another problem arose—the reawakening of Fozzie's uncle out of hibernation. Seeing that Fozzie was now a TV star, his Uncle Hereford's son (and Fozzie's cousin) Mike came to _The Muppet Show_ to ask for the Studebaker back. Upon his arrival, he became infuriated that Fozzie had sold Uncle Hereford's car and demanded monetary compensation. Fozzie became worried as to where he'd get the twelve dollars they had sold the Studebaker for, and in a panic-ridden stall for time he asked Mike to stay for the performance. Mike reluctantly agreed and only survived a few minutes through Fozzie's routine before leaving town, claiming that "it wasn't worth it". And, completely ignorant of this fact, still Fozzie went on.

**The Love of a Bear**

Love makes the world go round, and even though in Fozzie's case it went sort of square instead he still had some romance in his early years. For example, he was constantly wooing the female guest stars on the show, a feature especially clear in episode 2 when he competed with Kermit for the affections of Connie Stevens. Whenever he was anywhere within the radius of a girl, he started trying to impress her in some way, shape or form. Experts have deduced that this is caused by the fact that besides his mother—and quite possibly Miss Piggy and another girl named "Skeeter"—he had never had contact with the female side until he joined up with Kermit and they (re?)met Miss Piggy at the beauty contest judged by Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy (no relation to Edgar Burnin'). Thankfully for our poor comedian, though, he was immediately turned off by Miss Piggy because of the way she kept kissing up to Kermit. And plus with that "spiritual bond" thing mentioned before, it would have felt as weird to him as if he had been in love with his sister. (Ooh...nasty image.) Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, none of Fozzie's on-screen romances have ever bloomed, though the guest stars were some of the only people in recorded history who laughed at his jokes.

**Every Comedian Needs a Helping Hand**

Fozzie, as probably mentioned previously (translation—I'm too lazy to find out if it is) wasn't very good at doing much on his own. So that's where two of his associates came in: Irving Bizarre and Gags Beasley.

Gags Beasley was the first of the two to appear, a distinguished comedy writer best known for his famous "Banana Sketch". Though it loses something in the translation to text, roughly the sketch starts out with (hee hee) these two bananas walking down the street (ha ha ha) and (ha ha ha ha ha...) they—_WAHAHAHAHAHA!_ Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod... _A green banana! _HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You see, they—_ha ha ha ha ha!_—they— _holy schlemiel_—they—HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Gasp HAHAHA!

—two hours later—

_Anyways_, our bear met Beasley in the bathroom of the main headquarters of The Banana Society, which Fozzie had joined because of his comedic interest in the banana as a potentially great funny object and not just a fruit with a very slippable peel. He had been practicing his night's routine for _The Muppet Show_ in front of a mirror when Beasley, an honorary member because of the greatly-acclaimed "Banana Sketch" (ha ha ha!), stepped out of one of the stalls and heard him. In order to try to preserve the good name of comedy everywhere, Beasley offered the services of his gagwriting at a reasonable cost, which Fozzie accepted quickly. Soon, though, Fozzie ran out of money to pay Beasley for the gags, but later when he bucked up enough cash reserves he rehired the gagsman.

"It wasn't much, really," Beasley admits of his contribution to Fozzie's career, "just the extended use of my 'Banana Sketch' as well as a few other odds and ends I wrote up...all I ever wanted to do was spare innocent people from those nasty, rotten jokes he told during all his performances. Thankfully, I was able to do this, at least for a time," Beasley concludes, peeling a banana and bursting into laughter because of it.

Irving Bizarre, on the other hand, was hired by Fozzie's mother Emily. Though she had reveled in the fact that her boy was following Ozzie's footsteps, she was worried that someone would con him and his comedic history would be destroyed. So she looked in the phone book and asked about agents for Fozzie, but none of them were interested in doing any sort of business with her son. So to get her mind off of her failure, she went shopping for a new hat and found top-hat-looking Bizarre when she accidentally tried him on for a fit. Accepting the case, Bizarre ventured off to _The Muppet Show_ to do agent things for Fozzie, where he proved both his lecherous nature and his ineptitude with numbers while negotiating Fozzie's contract with Kermit. When he realized that the hat—eh, man handling all of his money wasn't even skilled enough to subtract one from two, Fozzie fired Bizarre and went solo in his financial matters. However, when you think of it, that wasn't really much better than having Bizarre around.

**In Conclusion, At Last**

As of late, not much has been seen or heard from Fozzie. He has been MIA since his portrayal of The Cowardly Lion in their rip-off—ah, their _retelling_ of The Wizard of Oz, and only in the freak revival festivals of his best (worst?) material. His terrible jokes are remembered with a fond chuckle—but only occasionally when comedy connoisseurs aren't retching their heads off in agony. But now we must ask, What has happened to him? Where is this wonderful bear now?

I'll tell you: he's right here in this room, asking me what you're supposed to send to a sick _florist_. AARGH! SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE! SOME—

_Hiya! I'd like to say goodbye, but I can't BEAR it! Wocka wocka!_

-Foz Oo,O


End file.
